We were driving around town and I felt a little bit car sick – something that never happens. I turned to my husband and said “I need to pee again,” followed closely with “maybe I’m pregnant.” He smiled back, imagining the possibility. A few days later I took the pregnancy test that would change our lives.
It’s hard to describe the wave of emotions that hit me as I stared at the result.
Positive: 2-3 weeks.
It was one of the most surreal moments of my life so far. Pregnant, me? The girl that had been single for most of my adult life now to be a mother? Quite frankly I had at various points in my life doubted if becoming a mom was in my future. I had watched friends and family get married and start to grow their families while for me, it seemed like a far-fetched dream. I stared at that test for a few good minutes while my eyes welled up in disbelief. This is it, it was finally happening.
And so began my journey to motherhood.
It’s funny how you can have such fixed expectations of something you never experienced. I always had a fear of pregnancy, not because I had ever experienced it but rather, from the collective stories of women I knew or had heard about.
From the outside looking in, pregnancy seemed like a wild ride in which your body was taken over for nine months and you lived in a constant state of anxiety. I had heard all the stories: the morning sickness, discomfort, pain in your joints, swelling, miscarriages, lack of sleep, worry – need I go on? Without knowing, I had internalised a lot of these stories and built up the expectation that pregnancy was something to be endured.
In reality, the past months have taught me that every pregnancy truly is different. It can definitely be a time of anxiety – you are growing a tiny human after all! However, instead of expecting the worst I simply learnt to take it a day at a time.
Thirty weeks in and I can say my pregnancy journey has been so different to what I expected, in the most positive way possible. The fears I had stemmed from what I had heard but I focused in on the negatives. I realise now that I spent a lot of time worrying about things that never came! I abandoned the very rules I try to remind myself of:
“Your experiences are unique and every journey is different.”
It’s such a lesson to focus on your journey and the beauty that it holds. Why expect the worst when you can expect the very best? Check in on what you are dwelling on or internalising as this can manifest into reality. It may be that you need a change in mindset to make it through whatever you’re going through. I figured early on that I couldn’t allow my fears to dominate even though it felt like a completely natural response.
In the months that I have carried my little girl I have learnt to embrace every day with a different kind of thankfulness. Every stage I have loved and tried to focus on that stage instead of overwhelming myself with the complete picture. Every stage feels like it lasts a moment and then it’s gone. It’s been amazing to see the next stage unfold knowing I was fully present in what had gone before.
As a first time momma, it has been the privilege of my life being entrusted with a life. Sometimes I can hardly believe that with my limited knowledge and experience, God has allowed me to house a little human and we will soon be her parents. It is one of the most magical things I’ve ever experienced.
And while this part of the journey isn’t quite over yet, and the anxieties still come and go, I am confident in the lessons I have learnt day to day and trust that God himself will help me as I go further into this journey. Lastly, I’ll say something I say very often – everything happens in its time, even if you’ve had to wait what feels like a long time, be encouraged! Things will work out just right.